The Upward Spiral

Most of the past weekend here was spent re-writing the ending of the story again. Doing so isn't the greatest experience as one is faced with witnessing their own limitations when editing. Going back and reviewing can feel like looking back on a long highway to where you were before.

It is unusual how structured the process of editing becomes. The section I was working on was originally written rather spontaneously. This wasn’t good spontaneous, though, like romantically running through a rainstorm. It was bad spontaneous, like stepping on a Lego and falling down the stairs. It is the kind of spontaneous that results in pointless characters or creates a plot wrinkle which ends up changing the entire meaning of chapter four. Using such different processes to create and then refine feels inherently flawed.  

Perhaps it is me who is flawed. When originally written, I knew what the ending needed to do, but it was spontaneous and created sloppily. When I returned to it later I tried to better bring the reader from one plot detail to the next, while smoothly bridging the gaps between them. The metaphor that comes to mind is when one smooths one's face with foundation so one's features are better highlighted by lipstick and eye shadow. At least that's the idea. 

What happened instead was too much focus on the “foundation” and seeing the “highlights” diminished by comparison. I ended up dragging up elements that didn't need attention. "Why am I paying so much attention to the way the character is standing here? Who cares?" Or, "What is this still doing here -- this should have been cut two edits ago. Was I preserving it to annoy myself?" Still, this is where I had stopped and moved on to other concerns.

It was only during another re-examination that I had been deluding myself that the ending was sufficient. In truth, I was never happy with what had been done and was now bothered that I put it aside too soon. Had I paid more attention to how it made me feel, rather than rephrasing to eliminate unnecessary gerunds, it should have been clear. 

That has been corrected and the ending is better now …Honest. The lesson I have been taught again, though, is to listen to my own feelings. Provided I am able to be objective about a section or piece I’ve written or edited, my feelings about it usually determine its suitability. Why then is such a simple measurement so hard to take?

To me, the difficulty in estimating my own work is that my own standards change as I learn and grow more experienced. What I thought was great writing years ago looks like Dora the Explorer fanfiction now. One cannot measure themselves purely on what they know at the moment, but also about what they will know given more time. This is why rushing is not my strong suit. Yet, at the time, it felt as thought it was the best work possible. It may have been. It is that flaw in the creative process which causes hesitation, causes doubt. "What if this is going to be terrible? Why write it at all?"

For me, though, it is only hesitation. I start again knowing that whatever is written, can be reviewed with a harsh eye. I know I can continue to seek what that the writing truly needs, and so I write and edit not with a sense of despair but sense of impending wonder. I take heart at the upward spiral I will see later when looking through all the versions of a piece of writing as it improves. 

This is more distracting than anticipated.

 

P.S. I edited this four times and it is already better. A some point it will be ready to send to Dora, herself.