Querying

It doesn’t hurt as much any more. Maybe I’m a bit more knowledgeable about the querying process, or the circumstances of being an agent, or that my writing requires a lot of patience to read, but the rejections don’t have as much impact on me. They are not occupying my thoughts as long. I am stabbing fewer throw pillows.

This leaves me at an impasse. With less stabbing in my life, do I become more philosophical about querying, or more phlegmatic? Although there is a lot to be said about breakfast bourbon, for me this feels like the phase of having my resolve tested. I frequently interrogate myself: Was I prepared for obstacles? Am I still determined to publish? Is the work the best it can be? And the answers seem apparent and simple: “Yes;” “yes;” “I’m tired of editing shut up.”

Maybe you have experienced something similar – a situation where the initial thrill has worn off and reality sets in. The sting is still present but you are also a little wiser, slightly more cynical, a little less enthusiastic, and a little more inclined to lie on your couch. Of course, I’m talking about dating. ...And by dating I mean “real dating” and not “TV dating” or “movies dating” In entertainment, dating always feels like “comedy laced with tragedy” rather than real dating which is “tragedy laced with hallucinogens.”

Querying is like dating, because what is difficult at this point isn’t the rejection: it is not knowing why. When "real dating" you rarely get someone taking the time to explain why they aren’t interested. Instead, you find a picture of that person draped over someone on social media, or they stop returning your texts and calls, or they start flirting wildly -- mid-date -- with a bartender or homeless person until you feel awkward and leave.

This is what querying feels like. You're left dazed, wondering. Although painful, you begin to truly appreciate the polite query rejection emails. Slightly more difficult is waiting for a query response that will never come. As stated on their website “no response means no interest”. This is the Query equivalent of a “Do You Like Me Yes or No (Check One) Letter” that is never returned.

Regardless of the rejection flavor, the lasting impact is wondering what was wrong. Is my story exactly like someone else’s? Is there a misplaced semi-colon incorrectly in my query letter? Is my name the same as the homeless person your ex dumped you for? (Because I can change that! Maya Twain has a nice ring!)

 Things I have deleted from letters while querying agents:

• "Please, don't yell at me."
• "You don't know me and at the end of this letter will probably want to keep it that way."
  
• "A lawyer, a writer, and the writer's agent walk into a bar..."
  
• "If you are not interested, simply say nothing. That way I can go back to pretending my little world and wear two sets of clothing at once and make tea for the voices in my head."
• "Will you be mine, will you be mine, will you be my agent?"
  
• "In fact, never mind. I take it all back. This letter is to confirm that I am not worthy to query you and ask your mutual consent that we never speak again."
• "Why is your website picture so scary? AAH! Stop looking at me!"

Agents are busy and are a business; I understand that. But just like I actually enjoy doing some of this, I like to think agents do, too. It would be great if their role allowed them more time for feedback – a chance to help the masses with a sense of where they stopped in the query letter, or how they just don’t see a market for the work. This may sound a bit painful to receive. Yet it can’t be any worse than the wondering; the yawning void of silence ...like after the hottest 3rd grader ever loses your magic marker love note during gym class.

I can’t say I’d love to learn more about where I’ve gone wrong, but it would definitely help. It would at least make me stop wondering if the agent realized the puerile joke on page 8 was intended as social commentary and not the author’s actual opinion of wangs. With feedback, we as authors are able to better understand what is missing or flawed and stop sending agents our revisions of Yarmageddon: Mary Anne Bonny versus the Sardinians.

(“Yarmageddon” and all related properties copyright Maya Twain.)