How To Write An Essay

First, you need a title... and HoHos. HoHos are essential.

Ho Hos: essential.

Regardless, you need a title. You may be thinking you need a topic, but the key to writing is staying organized and ‘title’ comes before ‘topic’ alphabetically.

Now, assuming you have a title and the title is “Cultural Divisions in the Modern Indian Military” then the topic should be no problem. If that is not, in fact, the title you chose, determining a topic will be a bit more difficult. If you can’t think of it right away, come back to this step after you have finished the essay.

The next step: words. Words are almost as important to an essay as Ho Hos so you should probably take some time to learn some good ones. One suggestion is to attend school for 3-20 years, unless you live in Mississippi in which case an autodidactic approach is more effective.

Once you know what “autodidactic” means and can use it in a sentence, you should be ready to start your essay. (Pro tip: try to save the word “autodidactic” for later. This is powerful writing.) You have probably consumed the last of the Ho Hos by now so this is a good time to get more.
 

Next, carefully write down 500-2000 words, trying not to repeat the same word too often. One trick to avoid that problem is to use the same word but jumble the spelling. So, if I get tired of using the word “the”, I can spell it “eht” which is the sound of someone choking on Thai Food, or “het” which is the Egyptian God of Millinery. See? Instant variety.

It is easy to see that Het was the most
important deity in the Egyptian Pantheon.

One other trick to non-repetitve word use is to randomly think of long words or phrases and then make them into a fun backronym. For example: “Hand Over Ron’s Salad, Ernie. Some Nun I Found Fervently Eats Radishes.” Just remember to de-capitalize!

Once you have 500-2000 unsimilar words, take some time and arrange them into sentences, and paragraphs which form a rational argument proving a point of view. Bonus points if it also disproves the validity of any major philosophical schools of thought.

Now that your essay is nearing completion, it is a good time to read it. Try and determine what it is about. Of course, the clever reader realizes we can now complete the important step we skipped earlier! Namely, your choice of font. Choosing a font will be the most time consuming step after obtaining an education, so don’t rush yourself.

While selecting a font, you may also want to examine the message within your essay. A message from a skilled essayist may be hidden at first glance, tucked away like the creamy filling inside a Ho Ho. How your essay’s message reveals itself is largely the choice of its creator. This revelation can be direct, or layered, or consumed whole and discovered as your taste buds, enrobed in chocolate and cream, explore the essay’s inner workings.

After you’ve written your essay, it is a wise idea to see whether the subject matter matches your title. Finding the title repeated in the text is a good indicator this is true. You can also revise your title if needed. One suggestion is to do as many scientific papers do and use the entire text of the essay as your title. Accuracy before Anti-climactics, after all. At least alphabetically.

An optional step to consider is editing. This is controversial as it seems wasteful to delete words you have already written down. A good compromise is using any extra words to form a sort of border. Depending on your font choice this can be quite artistic looking and ensures you are not depriving your audience of valuable words like ‘neoclassicism,’ ‘and,’  or ‘nda.’

Finally, your essay is ready for publication. How to go about this depends on where you would like it published. Regardless, the process is roughly the same for most locations: purchase a copy of your preferred publication, tape your essay somewhere inside, and then mail it back to them. The improvement should be self-evident. Slow-witted publishers may require you to write “Banger of a story on page 12” on the cover, as well.

If for some reason the editor contacts you with questions about your essay, try to be understanding. Questions about topic can be addressed by making up something about mortgages or reproductive health or whatever seems popular with youth that week. Questions about word choice should be dismissed with vagaries about Kerouac and Joyce. 

And that’s it! Congratulations: you are now an expert essayist! Just try and act surprised with any awards you receive and be sure not to write anything sexist on social media for a while.

It is nice to see such a diverse array of award-winners -- in this
case, diversity of fashion sense and readiness to take a photo.

Maya Moore is the product of a 3-20 year non-Mississppian education, and author of innumerable essays, including “Under-Proofing Your Outdated Umbrella Rafters; Soldering, Hammering And Repairing Practical Roof’S,” along with the non-fiction essay “Bad Mothers of  Invention: The Light Bulb, The Microprocessor, and Ho Hos,” and also is the author of the award-considered “One of the first things you need to understand about farming for turnips is that deer and mules are not your friends. They are in fact, quite adversarial, which is why there is a profound need for the FOIA act to be extended to include formulas for military-grade explosives and their application in suburban neighborhoods et cetera.”